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I can’t count how many times I have heard inside and outside of my private practice things like: “he was an angel until he moved in and then, became a tyrant, “ or “She gave me so much freedom to be myself until we got engaged and then, she wanted to know my whereabouts every hour of the day” or “He was great with my kids until we got married and then, he became jealous and envious to the point of hating them.”In summary, to ensure that you are not blinded by the uncontaminated fantasies about a potential partner which assume lives of their own early on in relationships when there is little history together, clear boundaries, and infrequent contacts, please consider the following recommendations before you make any commitments and go beyond the point of no return.1) It’s human nature to wish to possess that which holds the potential to satisfy powerful yearnings.I urge all of you out there to consider staying out of bed as long as is possible and to do your best not to lavish your dates with expressions of infatuation which may be confused by both of you with expressions of love. The ocean may look very inviting however, if there is an undertow you simply must refrain from getting in to deep until it subsides.
Instead of periodic flare ups of painful inflammation of muscles and joints we are left dealing with periodic flare ups of our children’s painful struggles to come to terms with our divorces, flare ups of our own painful struggles to come to terms with divorce and episodic painful dealings with our divorced spouses.
We don’t know someone intimately until we get a flavor of the ghosts of seasons past we will be dealing with from time to time.
I say this no matter how great is the chemistry and/or level of comfort between the two of you.
The evolution and stabilization of split off family units do not come about without mourning obsolete family units and coping with individual and systemic growing pains.
Furthermore, many of us after unsuccessful marriages have our self esteem wounded, experience guilt over making our kids victims of decisions that didn’t work out, may begin to doubt our abilities to choose appropriate partners and even delude ourselves into believing we are entitled to and can realistically expect to forge intimate and satisfying relationships without risking disappointments and rejections.This blog curates the voices of the Division of Psychoanalysis (39) of the American Psychological Association.